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The Courage to Be Disliked

5 mins
book summary
Shawn L
Builds stuff minimally

Adlerian psychology can be summarised into these points:

  • Self-acceptance
  • have confidence in others
  • separate tasks
  • build horizontal relationships by accepting other’s differences and use encouragement instead of praises or rebuke.
  • contribute to the community
  • be present

Trauma doesn’t exist. Trauma isn’t created by the experiences but by us giving meaning to them.

Anger is fabricated so that people can fulfill the goal of shouting.

People can change - they just don’t have the courage to change. So they continue to wrap themselves in unhappiness.

Weakness can be powerful. The strongest person in our culture is the baby. Braggarts are just feeling inferiority.

When challenged to a power struggle, never be drawn in. It’ll lead to revenge and a solution isn’t a long lasting solution. Step away and do not answer their action with reaction. Believe in the power of language and logic.

Admitting fault is not defeat. When someone is convinced “I am right” in a relationship, one has stepped into a power struggle.

The objectives of living: to be self-reliant and live in harmony with society. I have the ability and aware that people are my comrades.

Restrictions are reflection of distrust.

People are extremely selfish creatures who are capable of finding any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them. So don’t make up flaws in others so that you can avoid tasks. You are in control.

Separate tasks by asking “Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made?”

The choice of a child to study is his task. Parents can let him know that it’s his task and they are ready to assist him whenever he has the urge to study. When the child doesn’t request, the parents shouldn’t meddle in things.

Real freedom is being disliked by people. Conducting oneself to not be disliked by anyone is an unfree way of living.

Do not rebuke or praise. It’s manipulation.

When someone says “Good job!” to you, you feel a sense of being talked down to. Praising is the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability. This creates an unwanted hierarchical relationship.

What can we do in a horizontal relationship? Say thanks.

Offer assistance but never intervene. Instead of commanding the child to study, act so that he can gain confidence to take care of his own studies and face his tasks on his own.

When one can’t follow through on his task, it’s not because of his ability. It’s him losing courage to face his tasks.

When receiving praise becomes one’s goal, one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another person’s system of values.

First, do the separation of tasks. Then, while accepting each other’s differences, build equal horizontal relationships. Encouragement is the approach that comes next.

Judging others comes out from vertical relationships. Use words of gratitude, respect and joy.

A horizontal hierarchy in a company will have space for you to refuse, and there should also be space to propose a better way of doing things.

There is no need to go out of one’s way to be positive and affirm oneself. It’s not self-affirmation that we are concerned with, but self-acceptance.

The basis of interpersonal relations is founded not on trust but on confidence. Trust implies a set of condition. I trust you with my money - condition on you not losing all my money.

Confidence is believing unconditionally without concerning oneself with such things as security. You need the courage to overcome the fear of being taken advantage. And the courage comes from self-acceptance.

The essence of work is a contribution to the common good.

Instead of thinking about what others can do for me, I want to think about, and put into practice, what I can do for other people. Just by having that feeling of contribution, the reality right in front of me will take on a completely different hue.

If I’m faced with a mountain of dishes and the whole family is watching TV, think of what I can do for my comrades. I can hum away to myself and wash the dishes in good spirits, the children might come and give me a hand. At the very least, I’d be creating an atmosphere in which it is easier for them to offer their help.

I will get a sense of contribution because I see my family as comrades.

Workaholism is a way of avoiding responsibility.

You can be happy now by having a sense of contribution.

Have the courage to be normal. People who wants to be special cannot accept one’s normal self. A bad child in class is a pursuit of easy superiority.

Look at life as a series of moments, not path. Life is a series of dots rather than lines.

If your goal is to climb a mountain, the greater part of life would be ’en route’. When starting a journey, the journey starts the moment you step out of house.

Life in general has no meaning. It’s you who assign meaning to it.

When one attempts to choose freedom, it is only natural that one may lose one’s way. The guiding star is ‘contribution to others’.

If I change, the world will change. No one else will change the world for me. Start with no regard of whether others are cooperative or not.